track #

May 17th, 2013. (actually May 23rd)

Woof.

Well, I have officially (successfully) finished my first year of college. And I don't know why I didn't put any exclamation points at the end of that sentence, because in all reality, I'm pretty pumped about it!!!!!!!! There we go.

I can't believe my first year is done. I only have one more year and then I'm off to REAL college. Scary. I like it this way; it's like baby steps.

So, it is officially summer. I'm afraid these next few months are going to flllllly by. I'll try to document them well, but no promises.

Here's what it's going to look like:

June
Kathleen has a party (I'm not going to call it a bachelorette party, but some may call it that).
Kaleb marries Kathleen.
Kaitlin has a bridal shower.
My momma has a birthday.
Father's Day.
Trip to Illinois/Missouri.
Summer school.

Now, that may not seem like much, but it is! I still have work. I still hope to get outside. I MUST still go to the gym. I need to be able to do a pull up by the end of June. Perhaps I should eat less....Uhg, but I love food! I also should spend less money....also UHG! Anywho, I'm pumped!

July
Trip to New York.
Kait's bachelorette party.
Kait's birthday.

Much less busy. But, Stiiiiiiiill! Same things from June still apply:)

AUGUST!!
Kaitlin marries Joby.
Camping?
School starts back up.
KATPEE TURNS 25. WOOF.


 Well, there you go, my summer plans. I am very excited for all of it, and have a plethora of cameras to make sure everything is properly recorded. Now, you may have noticed I plan on going to New York in July. Perhaps you wonder what that is about. I like a boy. He is currently living in New York. I'm going to go visit him. As long as things stay happy I plan on continuing to like him. We will see what will happen. The cynical side of me says no good things will come from this. The optimistic side of me tells me to just have fun and be happy. We shall see. (Hopefully this cute boy will be my date to the weddings.) It's possible I'll use his name. We shall see.

Happy days!!!!

kisses not hisses

92 cookies later and I'm not feeling so hot.

I'm still 10lbs plus, post spring break. i'm working on that.

School ends in a week. At least spring semester ends in a week.

I've been focusing a lot on unhappiness lately and I don't appreciate that in myself. I will try not to focus it on it right now. But, I will touch on a bit of that unhappiness and then move on.

Neville (and two other cats have dissappeared) they have been gone for over a week. Presumably eaten by some larger animal. I keep having dreams about mountain lions and can't help feeling like a terrible mother. I've been terrible at going to the gym and more than adequate at stuffing my face. As a result, I hate the world. I found a cute, nice boy. He's leaving on monday.

I've been throwing myself a pitty party for far too long. Time to knock some sense into myself. I mean the summer is almost here (IT IS HERE), and it will be full of adventures!

my best friend is getting married
both of my older brothers are getting married
I'm going to Missouri and Illinois
I'm going to (maybe) go to New York
I will climb
I will camp
I will sit in the sun and read
my hair is growing
92 cookies later and I'm still a tinier, stronger version of myself
my reading list is never ending
Luny still alive and kicking *and eating
I will give up cookies, they make me feel like shit
.

I need to work on being a better friend. I need to work on making myself happy. I need to make myself happy.

It's smile time.

Tool Time

Herpes face is gone. Infected nose is in place.

Cool.

This week has been an interesting week.

I talked to an advisor for school yesterday. It was really inspiring. I changed my major--I mean I've never had a specified major. But, I was going to get an associates in business, now I'm going with an associates in art. I went in telling the advisor, her name is Rhonda, that I wanted to teach. We talked for a while and she eventually said it doesn't sound like I want to be a teacher. Which was probably a very accurate observation. She recommended I take some courses I'm interested in, talk to some specific programs/people at schools, and just get through my AA at Red Rocks, and decide as I move on.

So, here are my thoughts:

I'm thinking about going to, possibly, Metro and either double majoring in history and english--or perhaps major/minor. OR, finding a school that I can do one of the two with history and literature. Possibly after that I can pursue a masters in teaching or look more into the librarian program through DU. I realize none of these are super job applicable when it comes to the real world. But, Rhonda did a really great job at encouraging me to do something I enjoy and the rest will follow. Keep your fingers crossed!

But, either way, I'm excited for school again, and am pumped to be leaving RRCC in the spring of 2014--that's the plan, anyway. Wish me luck.

COLORADO
you fickle little state, you

So, winter finally hit. It just took until April. But that's ok, weather in the seventies this weekend...and I didn't get in a car wreck. I'll take it.

Life is good. I'm pumped for the summer. SOOOOOOO excited for every single little and BIG thing that will be happening in the next couple of months.

Some things to think about:

tattoos
debt
travel
residence
bread 
growing up
relationships

I have bruises again. That makes me happy. I almost have muscle again. That makes me happy. I have good friends. That makes me happy. 

So many things make me happy

it's April and the sun is shining...

Guys, life is hard.

I wish I could just eat bread and call it a day. I would go to sleep and smile at my rock hard abs and say goodnight to my beautiful husband, Ryan Gosling.

But, instead, I tell Rudolf we've got it good and unsheathe my knife to be prepared for a midnight intruder.

 I'm always prepared.

Spring break was fantastic. Mountaineering class is over. And that's sad.

My lips exploded. I have herpes face again. BUT, I hiked my first 14er! And felt like a champ. A CHAMP, I SAY! (a tired champ, I say....without the exclamation....more hyperventilating.)

Also, I learned to climb. Goal achieved! Next goal: CONTINUE CLIMBING. Mostly, continue being outdoors. Colorado really is quite beautiful. Shocking, right.

I am sorry if you do not understand sarcasm.

I've discovered exercise makes my body and my heart and my soul and my mind happy. Must.NOT.STOP. Sometimes 5:00am is a bit early. But, it sure beats a grouchy day. Holmes. Also, it's not as early as 4:00am.

I will still open my bookstore. But, perhaps I will teach to make money for said bookstore. I mean, I know teaching doesn't make millions of dollars. But, I don't see kiddos in my near future. Or ever? Or maybe millions of them. Heck, what do I know.

Must build up savings.

I mean, if you want to know my opinion, I think I should be able to marry a women if that is who I fall in love with. I mean, I don't think I want to reproduce...and even if I did, there a million and one ways for that to happen. By golly, and your anger and fear should not stop me from marrying a beautiful, kind, loving lady. I mean, love is love and why is your love any different than my love.
Granted, I'm not in love with a women--or a man--but, I just felt the need to throw my opinion right out there. Because, somewhere out there, there is a man, perhaps a women, waiting for me to find them--And I'll be darned if anyone is going to tell me what I can and cannot do once I find them. Now, let's not get all emotional....I'm not talking about marrying my sister, or a dog, or your mom. I'm also not talking about murdering any babies or drowning any nuns in a river. I'm purely talking about living life with someone I love.

Now, that I've finished with that, let's talk about my herpes face and another goal of mine. SUNSCREEN. SPF'd chapstick. I will not get skin cancer! 

a letter to you. I am not you.

Nothing can bring you peace, but yourself
                                -Ralph Waldo Emerson

I don't know if Ralph actually said that. I just know I found it on Pinterest, and I like it. I like words. They give me hope.

Spring break was last week. It was perfect. Now I'm back to real life, and I'm spiraling. Downhill. Fast. With tears. The tears started today. Around 11:30.

I'm being dramatic. Obviously.

I don't care. I'm done caring what you think.

I'm still being dramatic. Obviously.

We're just different people. And I don't think you'll ever understand. I'm sure that'll leave to an inevitable goodbye. I'll try to prepare for that.

The dramatics are just going to continue, so feel free to stop reading. Now.

Love is a strange thing. Family is a strange thing. I don't know if I want either. Both lead to broken hearts. I can live with my heart whole. Thank you very much.

I've been thinking a lot lately. About who I am and who I want to be. How people perceive me and how far from reality that really is. And how little perceivers care about reality...or me.

But, let me just say. I've been eating like shit, going on two weeks now. Eating like shit makes me feel like shit. It also makes my clothes not fit. I think I do it to punish myself. I'm sorry, self. I'll stop now.

Exercising makes me feel excellent. Happiness makes me feel excellent.



You can't make me feel ashamed of who I am. You can't make me say the angry words I want to say. I am not you.

I am going to make myself happy. Because I am happy. I am going to continue being a wanderer. Because I am a dreamer. I am not you.

I am going to make mistakes. I am going to learn from those mistakes. Then, possibly, I will make the same mistake again.

I am going to cry. I am going to laugh. I am going to be sad. I am going to be happy. I am going to sleep. Because I love sleep. You hate that I love sleep.

I am going to look better than you. Just to spite you.

I'll do what you ask. Because I love you. But it stops today.


And today it begins.

Put the Gun Down

Weeeeeeeeall. It seems the reason I don't blog during the semester is because I'm deathly busy. I'm not even kidding, DEATHLY BUSY. 

But, I exaggerate.  A quick catch up: my weekend speech class is over. It was abysmal, but it's done. Math is a little less than abysmal. Business Law isn't bad, just a lot of reading. Basic Mountaineering is fantastic, wish there were a few more females present...but, it's fun. We have a field trip to Rocky Mountain National Park coming up, and I'm pumped! Went to REI with my dad on Tuesday, bought some stellar hiking--I mean, mountaineering!--boots, and I'm good to go. Well, actually, I'm very intimidated and don't want to be the girl that keeps everyone going slow. But, I'm working on that. I'm also going to start climbing, hopefully for the first time Saturday. I'm scared about that, also. But, mostly because I don't have much core strength. Working on that, as well. 

But really, I cannot even begin to explain how excited I am for spring break! I will start the week out with the mountaineering field trip, which is Saturday, Sunday, and Monday. On Tuesday I fly to Durango to see Kathleen and Kaleb. I fly back on Thursday, just to catch a flight to Michigan to see Mary. I finally return to home Sunday night. It's bound to be a magical week. Mary and I shall be getting deathly hallow tattoos. Pictures to follow. 

I'll be starting on my sleeve after Kaitlin's wedding. When I have money, and some of my anxiety of another shitty tattoo has disappeared  It'll happen. I know it. I can't believe how soon the weddings are. Woof. Hopefully I'll find dresses soon. I have bangs. I'm happy. I joined 24 Hour Fitness. I stopped doing Insanity pretty much instantly because it was boring. I continued the bike until that got dreadfully boring, and now it's the gym at 6:30am every morning. It's only been a week and a half, but my energy level is still really good. A friend (cute friend) showed me some strength training to go along with the damn treadmill. So, Hunger Games, HERE I COME. I kid, I kid. But not really. Mostly, I still just want to climb mountains and not fall off. Eating habits are good, other than the 90 cookies I consume every day, I'm golden. With help, I've come to the conclusion I'm a fatalist. I'm going to work on that. It's incredibly hard to completely change your mindset; I'll get there. I will.

I've been reading mountaineering books and some classics; it's an interesting combination. I just finished Into Thin Air, and The Great Gatsby. I'm now onto Epic: Stories of Survival from the World's Highest Peaks and Great Expectations. Interesting combinations, but all good books. I enjoy life, am not home much, but smile a lot. Work is stressful, I don't want to talk about it. I'm ready for summer time. And a day to sleep in.

I have bangs. I'm at work. Don't fire me. 

See you someday, possibly not soon.

The Fear

Well, School started back up this week. And I am not ready. Classes went well. I like the professors and am excited to get back in the swing. No big desire to talk about classes or work. No thank you. 

So, I want to talk about how fantastic I have been feeling lately. I played sports all of high school and have not been active really, at all, since I graduated (in 2007). Until now. Like I said last week, I've started working out again and I cannot even big to explain how wonderful it makes me feel. On days I don't have class, I am doing Insanity in the morning and forty-five minutes of cardio when I get home from work. Right now the cardio is strictly just riding a stationary bike, when it starts to warm up, I'd like to start running. Keep your fingers crossed. Really, I only manage to work out in the morning and the evening about three days of the week. But, I don't find that upsetting. I'm also managing to eat really clean and take my vitamins. My body is probably trying to figure out who took over and what happened to Katri. 

Anyway, I know I had a million things I wanted to talk about this week, but I did not set aside the time. Mostly just want to let you know it has been a good week. I feel good, am happy and excited for the next couple of months. A bit scared, but mostly excited.

I am currently loving this song by Ben Howard. Read the lyrics, go listen to the lyrics. Put a smile and your face and feel good. 

"The Fear"

Mama, cold hearted child, tell me how you feel

Just a blade in the grass, spoke unto the wheel

Mama, cold hearted child, tell me where it's all gone

All the luster of your bones, those arms that held you strong

I've been worryin' that my time is a little unclear

I've been worryin' that I'm losing the ones I hold dear

I've been worryin' that we all, live our lives, in the confines of fear

Mama, cold hearted child, tell me how you feel

Just a grain in the morning air, dark shadow on the hill

Mama, cold hearted child, tell me where it all falls

All this apathy you feel will make a fool of us all

I've been worryin' that my time is a little unclear

I've been worryin' that I'm losing the ones I hold dear

I've been worryin' that we all, live our lives, in the confines of fear

Oh I will become what I deserve

Oh I will become what I deserve

Oh I will become what I deserve

Oh I will become what I deserve

I've been worryin', I've been worryin',

I will become what I deserve

I've been worryin',

My time is a little unclear

I will become what I deserve

I've been worryin', I've been worryin'

That my time is a little unclear

I've been worryin', I've been worryin'

That I'm losing the ones I hold dear

I've been worryin', I've been worryin'

That we all, live our lives, in the confines of fear