Honestly, there are times I really detest myself. Those times are usually the days after I have had too much to drink and the times after I have let someone see me vulnerable.
Classes start up again next Wednesday. I'm doing this semester a lot like I did last. I'll continue to work fulltime and classes full time. I hope I can handle it again. I'll be taking another terrible math class. A business law and public speaking class. And finally, an introduction to mountaineering class. I'm not going to lie, I'm a bit pumped about that mountaineering class. I can't even begin to explain how much I want to climb mountains. I just don't know where to begin.
In August, Mary and I decided we needed to become "Hunger Game" awesome, or something like that. I've lost a pretty solid eighteen pounds in the five months since then. I'm really not quite sure how I managed to do that. My only thought is that I stopped eating like a guy and completely cut out all the easy mac, pizza lunchables, and pizza rolls I used to eat. And honestly, I barely even miss them. But, if you've never had a pizza lunchable, you are REALLY missing out. However, I am still not, in any way, "Hunger Game" ready. I've recently started doing Insanity, which hopefully will help me build up muscle and endurance. I ordered a book on nutrition and am ready to perfect my diet. I really want to become a healthy person.
I had a conversation with Kaitlin the other day about whether or not I think what I eat really changes how I feel. And I am positive it does. I still have days where I start out well at breakfast, and then get to work and eat five million cookies and then proceed to feel like trash the rest of the day. Those days are a 1 on a scale of 1-10 (1 being the worst). I don't know if I have ever had a solid 10 day, meaning had energy through the whole day, not felt hungry, and was just generally happy. I haven't decided how much my diet (meaning what I eat, not meaning what I allow myself to eat) affects my moods, but I'm sure it does.
Anyway, what I'm trying to say is...I want to climb mountains. I want to be healthy. I want to feed my body what it needs. In order to do these things I need to understand what my body needs and I need to have a fit enough body to climb mountains.
I'm jumping around a bit in this post. It happens. At least I'm writing! I think I have a drinking problem. Not in, I drink too much, too often. But, somedays (actually nights) I think I subconsciously sabotage myself. Generally, whenever I go out with friends and I know I will be drinking a lot I set a limit for myself, because I know myself. If I'm not careful I drink too much and cry. And don't remember what happened before I started crying. Luckily, I have good enough friends that I know I will be taken care of (not lucky for them). This doesn't happen often. But, I do not want it to ever happen again. However, that's when the self-sabotage comes into play. Some nights I purposely don't set that limit for myself and I go too far. This usually happens whenever I go through particularly terrible times and I want a release. I just want to let myself go and hold no responsibility for anything in my life. Which is so terribly irresponsible. I really am not sure how to keep myself from falling into that dark hole that reappears in my life periodically. But, I like to think this is a step I am taking, just admitting to myself in a public forum (even if no one except me ever reads it) that that place exists. I'd like to think that everyone has that dark place that they try to avoid, and I am not alone in being afraid of that part of me. Anyway, I think that dark hole has to do with the confidence I often don't have for myself. Which is strange, because I really (usually) do like who I am. I just get afraid, and lonely, and sad, and lost sometimes. And haven't yet figured out how to pull myself out of those slumps. I need to stop running away from that part of me. I have a feeling I just need to conquer it and accept it's a part of me without letting it run me.
Ok, mountain climbing, confidence. I will also start writing on here EVERY Sunday. Straight A's this semester, including ugly math. Just general happiness. 2013 will be the year for general happiness.
Thank you, and goodnight! See you on the 20th!
Classes start up again next Wednesday. I'm doing this semester a lot like I did last. I'll continue to work fulltime and classes full time. I hope I can handle it again. I'll be taking another terrible math class. A business law and public speaking class. And finally, an introduction to mountaineering class. I'm not going to lie, I'm a bit pumped about that mountaineering class. I can't even begin to explain how much I want to climb mountains. I just don't know where to begin.
In August, Mary and I decided we needed to become "Hunger Game" awesome, or something like that. I've lost a pretty solid eighteen pounds in the five months since then. I'm really not quite sure how I managed to do that. My only thought is that I stopped eating like a guy and completely cut out all the easy mac, pizza lunchables, and pizza rolls I used to eat. And honestly, I barely even miss them. But, if you've never had a pizza lunchable, you are REALLY missing out. However, I am still not, in any way, "Hunger Game" ready. I've recently started doing Insanity, which hopefully will help me build up muscle and endurance. I ordered a book on nutrition and am ready to perfect my diet. I really want to become a healthy person.
I had a conversation with Kaitlin the other day about whether or not I think what I eat really changes how I feel. And I am positive it does. I still have days where I start out well at breakfast, and then get to work and eat five million cookies and then proceed to feel like trash the rest of the day. Those days are a 1 on a scale of 1-10 (1 being the worst). I don't know if I have ever had a solid 10 day, meaning had energy through the whole day, not felt hungry, and was just generally happy. I haven't decided how much my diet (meaning what I eat, not meaning what I allow myself to eat) affects my moods, but I'm sure it does.
Anyway, what I'm trying to say is...I want to climb mountains. I want to be healthy. I want to feed my body what it needs. In order to do these things I need to understand what my body needs and I need to have a fit enough body to climb mountains.
I'm jumping around a bit in this post. It happens. At least I'm writing! I think I have a drinking problem. Not in, I drink too much, too often. But, somedays (actually nights) I think I subconsciously sabotage myself. Generally, whenever I go out with friends and I know I will be drinking a lot I set a limit for myself, because I know myself. If I'm not careful I drink too much and cry. And don't remember what happened before I started crying. Luckily, I have good enough friends that I know I will be taken care of (not lucky for them). This doesn't happen often. But, I do not want it to ever happen again. However, that's when the self-sabotage comes into play. Some nights I purposely don't set that limit for myself and I go too far. This usually happens whenever I go through particularly terrible times and I want a release. I just want to let myself go and hold no responsibility for anything in my life. Which is so terribly irresponsible. I really am not sure how to keep myself from falling into that dark hole that reappears in my life periodically. But, I like to think this is a step I am taking, just admitting to myself in a public forum (even if no one except me ever reads it) that that place exists. I'd like to think that everyone has that dark place that they try to avoid, and I am not alone in being afraid of that part of me. Anyway, I think that dark hole has to do with the confidence I often don't have for myself. Which is strange, because I really (usually) do like who I am. I just get afraid, and lonely, and sad, and lost sometimes. And haven't yet figured out how to pull myself out of those slumps. I need to stop running away from that part of me. I have a feeling I just need to conquer it and accept it's a part of me without letting it run me.
Ok, mountain climbing, confidence. I will also start writing on here EVERY Sunday. Straight A's this semester, including ugly math. Just general happiness. 2013 will be the year for general happiness.
Thank you, and goodnight! See you on the 20th!
Hi Katri. It was nice to get an update about you, although some of this was a little sad (the part about you detesting yourself). Let me know how Insanity works out! I started an "at home crossfit" program that I pieced together online. If it works out well for me, I'll have to send it to you... if you want.
ReplyDeleteGood luck this semester! I'm sure you'll get those straight As and I'll look forward to Sundays.