The Fear

Well, School started back up this week. And I am not ready. Classes went well. I like the professors and am excited to get back in the swing. No big desire to talk about classes or work. No thank you. 

So, I want to talk about how fantastic I have been feeling lately. I played sports all of high school and have not been active really, at all, since I graduated (in 2007). Until now. Like I said last week, I've started working out again and I cannot even big to explain how wonderful it makes me feel. On days I don't have class, I am doing Insanity in the morning and forty-five minutes of cardio when I get home from work. Right now the cardio is strictly just riding a stationary bike, when it starts to warm up, I'd like to start running. Keep your fingers crossed. Really, I only manage to work out in the morning and the evening about three days of the week. But, I don't find that upsetting. I'm also managing to eat really clean and take my vitamins. My body is probably trying to figure out who took over and what happened to Katri. 

Anyway, I know I had a million things I wanted to talk about this week, but I did not set aside the time. Mostly just want to let you know it has been a good week. I feel good, am happy and excited for the next couple of months. A bit scared, but mostly excited.

I am currently loving this song by Ben Howard. Read the lyrics, go listen to the lyrics. Put a smile and your face and feel good. 

"The Fear"

Mama, cold hearted child, tell me how you feel

Just a blade in the grass, spoke unto the wheel

Mama, cold hearted child, tell me where it's all gone

All the luster of your bones, those arms that held you strong

I've been worryin' that my time is a little unclear

I've been worryin' that I'm losing the ones I hold dear

I've been worryin' that we all, live our lives, in the confines of fear

Mama, cold hearted child, tell me how you feel

Just a grain in the morning air, dark shadow on the hill

Mama, cold hearted child, tell me where it all falls

All this apathy you feel will make a fool of us all

I've been worryin' that my time is a little unclear

I've been worryin' that I'm losing the ones I hold dear

I've been worryin' that we all, live our lives, in the confines of fear

Oh I will become what I deserve

Oh I will become what I deserve

Oh I will become what I deserve

Oh I will become what I deserve

I've been worryin', I've been worryin',

I will become what I deserve

I've been worryin',

My time is a little unclear

I will become what I deserve

I've been worryin', I've been worryin'

That my time is a little unclear

I've been worryin', I've been worryin'

That I'm losing the ones I hold dear

I've been worryin', I've been worryin'

That we all, live our lives, in the confines of fear

Honesty

Honestly, there are times I really detest myself. Those times are usually the days after I have had too much to drink and the times after I have let someone see me vulnerable.

Classes start up again next Wednesday. I'm doing this semester a lot like I did last. I'll continue to work fulltime and classes full time. I hope I can handle it again. I'll be taking another terrible math class. A business law and public speaking class. And finally, an introduction to mountaineering class. I'm not going to lie, I'm a bit pumped about that mountaineering class. I can't even begin to explain how much I want to climb mountains. I just don't know where to begin.

In August, Mary and I decided we needed to become "Hunger Game" awesome, or something like that. I've lost a pretty solid eighteen pounds in the five months since then. I'm really not quite sure how I managed to do that. My only thought is that I stopped eating like a guy and completely cut out all the easy mac, pizza lunchables, and pizza rolls I used to eat. And honestly, I barely even miss them. But, if you've never had a pizza lunchable, you are REALLY missing out. However, I am still not, in any way, "Hunger Game" ready. I've recently started doing Insanity, which hopefully will help me build up muscle and endurance. I ordered a book on nutrition and am ready to perfect my diet. I really want to become a healthy person.

I had a conversation with Kaitlin the other day about whether or not I think what I eat really changes how I feel. And I am positive it does. I still have days where I start out well at breakfast, and then get to work and eat five million cookies and then proceed to feel like trash the rest of the day. Those days are a 1 on a scale of 1-10 (1 being the worst). I don't know if I have ever had a solid 10 day, meaning had energy through the whole day, not felt hungry, and was just generally happy. I haven't decided how much my diet (meaning what I eat, not meaning what I allow myself to eat) affects my moods, but I'm sure it does.

Anyway, what I'm trying to say is...I want to climb mountains. I want to be healthy. I want to feed my body what it needs. In order to do these things I need to understand what my body needs and I need to have a fit enough body to climb mountains.

I'm jumping around a bit in this post. It happens. At least I'm writing! I think I have a drinking problem. Not in, I drink too much, too often. But, somedays (actually nights) I think I subconsciously sabotage myself. Generally, whenever I go out with friends and I know I will be drinking a lot I set a limit for myself, because I know myself. If I'm not careful I drink too much and cry. And don't remember what happened before I started crying. Luckily, I have good enough friends that I know I will be taken care of (not lucky for them). This doesn't happen often. But, I do not want it to ever happen again. However, that's when the self-sabotage comes into play. Some nights I purposely don't set that limit for myself and I go too far. This usually happens whenever I go through particularly terrible times and I want a release. I just want to let myself go and hold no responsibility for anything in my life. Which is so terribly irresponsible. I really am not sure how to keep myself from falling into that dark hole that reappears in my life periodically. But, I like to think this is a step I am taking, just admitting to myself in a public forum (even if no one except me ever reads it) that that place exists. I'd like to think that everyone has that dark place that they try to avoid, and I am not alone in being afraid of that part of me. Anyway, I think that dark hole has to do with the confidence I often don't have for myself. Which is strange, because I really (usually) do like who I am. I just get afraid, and lonely, and sad, and lost sometimes. And haven't yet figured out how to pull myself out of those slumps. I need to stop running away from that part of me. I have a feeling I just need to conquer it and accept it's a part of me without letting it run me.

Ok, mountain climbing, confidence. I will also start writing on here EVERY Sunday. Straight A's this semester, including ugly math. Just general happiness. 2013 will be the year for general happiness.

Thank you, and goodnight! See you on the 20th!

How I survived 2012

2012 has come and gone. And I'd like to say I have grown.

This past year both Joby and Kaleb got engaged. I moved back in with my parents. My grandma died. I starting going back to school.

Yes, those four sentences sum up the year pretty well for me.

I've always said I don't like growing up. I don't like people in my life growing up. I'd rather be selfish and have my brothers be my brothers forever. And really, that goes for extended family, as well. I don't want to share. I don't want to have to see family less than I already do. I learned a couple years ago that family are the only people who are there for you even when you aren't there for yourself. However, what I am slowly trying to learn with so many of my favorite people getting married, changing, growing, becoming adults--I'm not losing them. Our relationships are just changing along with everything else. Luckily, I couldn't love Kaitlin and Kathleen any more than I already do. I suppose if Joby and Kaleb are going to be making their own families, they sure are starting off right.

In May, I made a huge decision to move back in with my parents and go back to school. This was a hard decision for me, but, by far, the best decision I made all year--best decision I made in a long time. Going back to school really scared me. I didn't like admitting that I hated doing hair. I didn't like the idea of starting all over. And it really petrified me that I didn't know what I wanted to do for the rest of my life. However, turns out, I really love school. I'm so happy to be learning again, and knowing that I am making a decision that will directly-positively effect the rest of my life. I'm proud of myself. I am not sure how long I will stay at my parents. Originally I thought that I would stay here as long as it took me to finish school. But, sometimes I feel like I'm not growing here. I rely on my parent's for so much. Mostly emotionally. And sometimes, I know I isolate myself up here. I haven't decided if that's healthy or not. I've always been a very independent person, I think. I like being alone, so I'm not sure if it matters I isolate myself in my parent's apartment above the garage, as opposed to my own apartment in the city. I'm really not sure. But, I'm happy. Most of the time.

Grandma dying had a bigger impact on my life than I think I thought it would have had, had I really thought about it before hand. I think in my head Grandma had left us a long time ago, but my head and my heart are two different things. I, thankfully, haven't had to deal with a lot of death in my life. I wasn't sure how her passing would affect me emotionally. However, I don't want to focus on any sort of sadness I felt. I like to think Grandma is somewhere with Grandpa smiling down on us all, and what could be better than that. Her passing reminded me that this is the one life I get, the one chance I have to make something beautiful. It reminded me how thankful I am she created such a wonderful family. How thankful I am to be part of this world.

This year has really made me think about what I do and don't want in life. Because of all the weddings coming up, I really have been trying to figure out how I feel about marriage and forever. I haven't been able to piece out my thoughts well enough to talk about them, yet. I'll let you know when I do.

For reals, I'll go into it someday.