Juice, it's what's for dinner

Smoothies, not juice.

My juicing did not go as planned. I lasted about eight hours drinking, what turned out to be shakes. I don't have the self control, or perhaps the drive, to just drink things for three days--or one day.

However, it was not a complete failure. I've continued to drink shakes, and they help my digestive system immensely. I'm almost pooping daily now. Almost. And I do feel better.

Mostly I just put a ton of spinach and kale in the shake, a frozen banana--or two, some almond butter (or dark chocolate almond butter). I've bought some other frozen fruits to add, fresh berries are too expensive. If I ever get to whole foods I will get some protein powder. But, I haven't done that. Sometimes I get serious fits of wanting to throw up, and I've been told it's probably because I'm dumping sugar into my body and I'm getting hyper-glycemic. Something like that, anyway.

The shakes are always green, rarely look appetizing. But, for the most part taste great. I'm the least healthy person in the whole world when it comes to my diet....but, I'll work on that.

I was a bit afraid this was going to cause me to gain weight, because of all the sugar and carbs, but I've actually lost two pounds. I think it's from the pooping.

So, that's that.

:)

Also, I quit my other job.

Let me tell you, having a day off does a lot for mental breakdowns. I'm still a terrible person, and deserve a good punch in the face 62% of the time....but I'm better.

I still haven't started exercising........ooopsies.

It's November--and I'm thankful

Today and everyday I am thankful for:

-my two beautiful parents
-my three brothers, who are generally more beautiful than me
-my two perfect sister's-in-law, who are always more beautiful that me--and who have become my best friends
-my perfect boyfriend, who treats me far better than I deserve
-my cousin, Mary, who is far smarter and more beautiful than me
-my entire extended family
-all my friends, even if you're not related to me
-every animal in the whole wide world...even mountain lions
-Colorado, and its beautiful weather
-I am thankful for the outdoors
-my car, who gets treated like actual poop, but continues to drive down the road
-Christmas
-seasons
-the Harry Potter series, Mists of Avalon, Beach Music, and every book I've ever read
-music
-good food
-Indian food
-the fashion world
-being born in America
-being raised to understand that just because I was born in America, I am no better than anyone born in any other country
-science
-batman onesies
-my job, and the people I work with
-chocolate
-the chance to dream
-my parents' beautiful house, and the house next door to them that they let me live in

I'm thankful for everything and anything that has helped me become the person I am today. I'm a lucky person who is spoiled by everyone in my life. And I am thankful for that.

I'm thankful for fluffy things. Like cats. And dogs. And skunks.

Indeed, balance. Needed.

I have had several mental break downs in the last month and a half and I have had enough. I can't remember if I said in my last post, but I have taken another job, at a salon (I'll go into that in another post most likely), I am still working at the jewelry store, and I'm going to school. And I'm tired. Sorry if that is repetitive, but I don't care. I'm tired.

I'm tired of waking up and barely making it to the shower (sometimes not making it to the shower and still going to work). I'm tired of having zero energy. I'm tired of going to bed at 8 o'clock. I'm tired of my clothes not fitting. I'm tired of being a bitch to the people I love. I'm tired of having zero energy to do anything when my boyfriend is in town. I'm tired.

I'm just tired.

And I have finally had enough. 

So, here was my last delicious, deliciously unhealthy meal, for a while. I read a blog about juicing, and the girls at the salon are constantly doing some new health fad......so, because the girl at xojane.com did not seem insane or obnoxiously "going with the trend" I have decided to try. 

Boyfriend convinced me to buy a nutribullet and so begins my first journey into the cooking land. Ya, I don't cook. I microwave. And I only microwave if everything is premade and ready for me to stick in the microwave. The most I have ever done is boil some eggs. When I'm healthy I eat a lot of eggs and almonds and cheese and clementines and bananas. When I am unhealthy (like now) I eat a lot of easy mac and Little India and McDonalds and anything else easy, greasy, and delicious. I never cook anything. And I know you may not think of blending as cooking, but I don't want to hear about it. If you know me, you understand. If you don't understand. I am sorry.  I went to the store and didn't have to ask anyone anything--other than for a lb of cashews, which I had to do. I ended up spending around $100 dollars, but to be fair I didn't have anything. I had to buy absolutely everything on the list and had no patience to look for the best deal--going back to being tired.....keep your thoughts to yourself (I can keep complaining about my money issues all I want)

It probably only took me an hour to get these babies done....however, it felt like forever. But, I only messed up one recipe.....that makes me proud. But, I probably messed them up more than I've reliased. but I don't care. Also, I'm doing it a little differently than the post I read. But we'll see how I feel at the end of it. 

I am going to try to do this for sure for three days (I bought six days worth of shake groceries). Day four there are halloween parties and we'll see how I feel. Then I want to start drinking shakes for breakfast. I will start exercising on Sunday. I would start now....but I want to see how this stuff makes me feel. Wish me luck. I'll let you know. 

Finding Balance**

It's now fall; there is snow in the weather for tomorrow. And life is a moving.

I'm back in school. I set my schedule up a little differently this semester. I have classes on Tuesday's and Thursday's and do not work on those days. I also took one weekend class, which is over. Thank the Baby J.

I like not having to work on Tuesday's and Thursday's, but my bank account is less than a fan.

So, here is my life:

Sometime around last spring I decided to stop being financially responsible and I am now having to deal with those choices.

Life is great right now; and then I look at my bank account. I have taken a second job to try to deal with those woes. It doesn't make me happy.

I'm trying to get back into work out mode, which is going decently well. But, boy, do I love incredibly unhealthy food. Sooooooo, ya.

So here it is:  I have two jobs, go to school full time, and am working on being healthy again.

I'm still alive and still happy.

James lives in Houston. I miss him.

I'll do a better update.......someday. No promises it'll be soon.






Also, I miss Neville. 

The Summer.

It's fall. I failed, yet again, to keep you updated on my life.

My summer was perfect. It was possibly one of the more difficult summers of my life, for several reasons. But, not worth talking about. As a whole, it was perfect. The kind of summer I would dream about.

Here's what I did:

-I spent a weekend in New York City.
-I went to Boston for the 4th of July.
-I spent a week in Albany.
-I drove to Niagara Falls. And was not disappointed.
-I spent a weekend in Pittsburgh.
-I tried to go to Albany, but got stuck in Philadelphia.
-I went back to Albany (but really it was Schenectady all along).
**I did all of this with, to see, because of my boyfriend. Oh, I also got a boyfriend. His name is James.
-I went to Missouri to visit family.
-I went to Illinois to visit family.
-I got my ear pierced with family.
-I went to both of my brother's weddings.
-I went camping.
-I barely worked.

There is an unbelievable quick summation of the adventures I had this summer. In no was does it adequately express how wonderful of a summer it was, but I hope it gives you an idea.

This collage was an absolute horror to create. I made it a while ago, in August and it took me forever today to find it. I nearly imploded. There aren't any pictures of either of the pairs of newly weds, but this is a blog about me, so I'm going to let it slide.

after all this time?

Ok, I'm going to give it a whirl.

Marriages. Weddings. Husband. Wife. Forever.

I think one of the most magical things I have ever experienced was Kaleb and Kathleen's first dance. I wasn't close to the dance floor and I really didn't have a very good view of the two of them, but "After the Storm", by Mumford and Sons came on...I think I was actually walking away from the dance floor when the song started and I turned around. And it was just....magical. The song is beautiful, and it was dusk, and I really do believe Kaleb and Kathleen love each other.

It's hard to say why my heart is turning. I don't know if it's because Kaleb's wedding has passed, Kaitlin's is coming up, and Mary's talks of engagement--do I just want to be in the same phase of life as all my favorite people? Am I wishful? Jealous? Lonely? Or just willing to believe fairytales do exist?

I know I've alluded at least once to John and my conversation over Christmas, and to sum it up, it went as such:

Katri:  Marriage is an unrealistic commitment that most people regret.

John: Marriage is hard, but worth it.

K, that is a very quick summation of how the conversation, but you get the gist of it. It's very hard for me to believe it is wise to decide you are going to spend the rest of your life with someone when you haven't even begun to live. Right now I think I do believe in marriage and do want to spend forever with someone, however I have little faith in my ability to wisely make that decision. Also, I have little faith in humanity that there is someone out there that will not bore me, or get bored of me. For some reason, in my head, marriage is the end of life. I really don't mean that to sound as morbid as it came off, but.....I'll have to continue these thoughts another day. I'm seesawing.

I just don't want to ever lose myself in somebody else.

People around me make me believe in love. Their love, if nothing else.

I mean, if Harry Potter is real, why not Love.





Also, I've just decided to underline and quote every single title, because I just don't know what I'm doing.

Thank you and goodnight.

nice try, but I won't pass on this

I'm not going to lie....I'm at work and I have spent the last 1.5 hours watching "The Mindy Project", but to be fair, I am caught up on all my work and Tim isn't here to see if he has anything he wants me to do. Is that a good enough excuse, probably not. But, it happened and I'm not going to try to hide it. Are you supposed to underline the names of TV shows or put them in parenthesis? I'll just do both.

There, done. I'm glad Mary doesn't read my blog. Winkity.

Ok, I have no money...but I love Jimmy Johns. I need to permanently stop bringing my wallet to work. But apparently that's a bad idea because I need transmission fluid for my car...and if I didn't have my wallet I would not be able to pay for said transmission fluid.

I feel a bit ill after today's consumption of Jimmy Johns. But, it was delicious. I get the #6, which is the veggie sandwich. I get it without cheese and mayo and add vinegar  salt and pepper, and hot peppers. I know you were curious. Seriously though, I need to stop spending money. Also, I get a cookie and salt and vinegar chips...I'm a bit afraid the cookie is what is making me feel not so fantastic.

K. On to the last two weeks!

Kaleb and Kathleen are now husband and wife. Woof. Doesn't get much more serious than that.  It was a busy week and happy day. Now, I'm not going to lie, it wasn't how I imagine it would be. For whatever reason I imagined it would be like a giant camping trip. It was not. Basically, what I am trying to say is the wedding was a lot of fun, but I didn't talk to/spend time with people like I thought I would be able to.

But, to sum the week up quickly, it went like this: JaneE's family got to CO on Wednesday, Thursday was bach/bachelorette parties, Friday was the rehearsal dinner, Saturday wedding! There just wasn't much down time....which is funny, because you would think there would be.

It was good to see everybody, even though it was for such a short while. I am so happy for Kaleb and Kathleen. It was a successful wedding/week!

Kaitlin's bridal shower was last weekend. It's crazy to think her wedding is so soon! Her bachelorette party is July 13th and I feel like that is just around the corner. It was nice/weird to go back to Idalia for the party. It's always strange going back there. I still think of it as my home, but feel like such an outsider these days.

Sorry I'm shooting thoughts out so unfluidly-like. But again, be glad I'm writing.

Tomorrow is Mommy's birthday. I need to pack. I need to pick up a present. I need a fluffy cat.

I leave on Friday and will be gone for 2 weeks. Woof.

James is his name. Giving names. Woof. I know.

I really do need to reflect on this wedding/marriage/forever stuff, like I said I would. But my thoughts keep changing. I keep going back to the conversation John and I had over Christmas and I just want to write stuff down as my opinion continues to change. I'll try to do that in August, after Joby and Kaitlin get married.

I have so many things to say, but I'm struggling focusing on one subject long enough to really say anything. I apologize for that.

For the record, I'm kind of excited for classes to start back up. But, not too excited. I want this summer to continue for a long time.

I'll try to post a more coherent post later this week. No promises. 

track #

May 17th, 2013. (actually May 23rd)

Woof.

Well, I have officially (successfully) finished my first year of college. And I don't know why I didn't put any exclamation points at the end of that sentence, because in all reality, I'm pretty pumped about it!!!!!!!! There we go.

I can't believe my first year is done. I only have one more year and then I'm off to REAL college. Scary. I like it this way; it's like baby steps.

So, it is officially summer. I'm afraid these next few months are going to flllllly by. I'll try to document them well, but no promises.

Here's what it's going to look like:

June
Kathleen has a party (I'm not going to call it a bachelorette party, but some may call it that).
Kaleb marries Kathleen.
Kaitlin has a bridal shower.
My momma has a birthday.
Father's Day.
Trip to Illinois/Missouri.
Summer school.

Now, that may not seem like much, but it is! I still have work. I still hope to get outside. I MUST still go to the gym. I need to be able to do a pull up by the end of June. Perhaps I should eat less....Uhg, but I love food! I also should spend less money....also UHG! Anywho, I'm pumped!

July
Trip to New York.
Kait's bachelorette party.
Kait's birthday.

Much less busy. But, Stiiiiiiiill! Same things from June still apply:)

AUGUST!!
Kaitlin marries Joby.
Camping?
School starts back up.
KATPEE TURNS 25. WOOF.


 Well, there you go, my summer plans. I am very excited for all of it, and have a plethora of cameras to make sure everything is properly recorded. Now, you may have noticed I plan on going to New York in July. Perhaps you wonder what that is about. I like a boy. He is currently living in New York. I'm going to go visit him. As long as things stay happy I plan on continuing to like him. We will see what will happen. The cynical side of me says no good things will come from this. The optimistic side of me tells me to just have fun and be happy. We shall see. (Hopefully this cute boy will be my date to the weddings.) It's possible I'll use his name. We shall see.

Happy days!!!!

kisses not hisses

92 cookies later and I'm not feeling so hot.

I'm still 10lbs plus, post spring break. i'm working on that.

School ends in a week. At least spring semester ends in a week.

I've been focusing a lot on unhappiness lately and I don't appreciate that in myself. I will try not to focus it on it right now. But, I will touch on a bit of that unhappiness and then move on.

Neville (and two other cats have dissappeared) they have been gone for over a week. Presumably eaten by some larger animal. I keep having dreams about mountain lions and can't help feeling like a terrible mother. I've been terrible at going to the gym and more than adequate at stuffing my face. As a result, I hate the world. I found a cute, nice boy. He's leaving on monday.

I've been throwing myself a pitty party for far too long. Time to knock some sense into myself. I mean the summer is almost here (IT IS HERE), and it will be full of adventures!

my best friend is getting married
both of my older brothers are getting married
I'm going to Missouri and Illinois
I'm going to (maybe) go to New York
I will climb
I will camp
I will sit in the sun and read
my hair is growing
92 cookies later and I'm still a tinier, stronger version of myself
my reading list is never ending
Luny still alive and kicking *and eating
I will give up cookies, they make me feel like shit
.

I need to work on being a better friend. I need to work on making myself happy. I need to make myself happy.

It's smile time.

Tool Time

Herpes face is gone. Infected nose is in place.

Cool.

This week has been an interesting week.

I talked to an advisor for school yesterday. It was really inspiring. I changed my major--I mean I've never had a specified major. But, I was going to get an associates in business, now I'm going with an associates in art. I went in telling the advisor, her name is Rhonda, that I wanted to teach. We talked for a while and she eventually said it doesn't sound like I want to be a teacher. Which was probably a very accurate observation. She recommended I take some courses I'm interested in, talk to some specific programs/people at schools, and just get through my AA at Red Rocks, and decide as I move on.

So, here are my thoughts:

I'm thinking about going to, possibly, Metro and either double majoring in history and english--or perhaps major/minor. OR, finding a school that I can do one of the two with history and literature. Possibly after that I can pursue a masters in teaching or look more into the librarian program through DU. I realize none of these are super job applicable when it comes to the real world. But, Rhonda did a really great job at encouraging me to do something I enjoy and the rest will follow. Keep your fingers crossed!

But, either way, I'm excited for school again, and am pumped to be leaving RRCC in the spring of 2014--that's the plan, anyway. Wish me luck.

COLORADO
you fickle little state, you

So, winter finally hit. It just took until April. But that's ok, weather in the seventies this weekend...and I didn't get in a car wreck. I'll take it.

Life is good. I'm pumped for the summer. SOOOOOOO excited for every single little and BIG thing that will be happening in the next couple of months.

Some things to think about:

tattoos
debt
travel
residence
bread 
growing up
relationships

I have bruises again. That makes me happy. I almost have muscle again. That makes me happy. I have good friends. That makes me happy. 

So many things make me happy

it's April and the sun is shining...

Guys, life is hard.

I wish I could just eat bread and call it a day. I would go to sleep and smile at my rock hard abs and say goodnight to my beautiful husband, Ryan Gosling.

But, instead, I tell Rudolf we've got it good and unsheathe my knife to be prepared for a midnight intruder.

 I'm always prepared.

Spring break was fantastic. Mountaineering class is over. And that's sad.

My lips exploded. I have herpes face again. BUT, I hiked my first 14er! And felt like a champ. A CHAMP, I SAY! (a tired champ, I say....without the exclamation....more hyperventilating.)

Also, I learned to climb. Goal achieved! Next goal: CONTINUE CLIMBING. Mostly, continue being outdoors. Colorado really is quite beautiful. Shocking, right.

I am sorry if you do not understand sarcasm.

I've discovered exercise makes my body and my heart and my soul and my mind happy. Must.NOT.STOP. Sometimes 5:00am is a bit early. But, it sure beats a grouchy day. Holmes. Also, it's not as early as 4:00am.

I will still open my bookstore. But, perhaps I will teach to make money for said bookstore. I mean, I know teaching doesn't make millions of dollars. But, I don't see kiddos in my near future. Or ever? Or maybe millions of them. Heck, what do I know.

Must build up savings.

I mean, if you want to know my opinion, I think I should be able to marry a women if that is who I fall in love with. I mean, I don't think I want to reproduce...and even if I did, there a million and one ways for that to happen. By golly, and your anger and fear should not stop me from marrying a beautiful, kind, loving lady. I mean, love is love and why is your love any different than my love.
Granted, I'm not in love with a women--or a man--but, I just felt the need to throw my opinion right out there. Because, somewhere out there, there is a man, perhaps a women, waiting for me to find them--And I'll be darned if anyone is going to tell me what I can and cannot do once I find them. Now, let's not get all emotional....I'm not talking about marrying my sister, or a dog, or your mom. I'm also not talking about murdering any babies or drowning any nuns in a river. I'm purely talking about living life with someone I love.

Now, that I've finished with that, let's talk about my herpes face and another goal of mine. SUNSCREEN. SPF'd chapstick. I will not get skin cancer! 

a letter to you. I am not you.

Nothing can bring you peace, but yourself
                                -Ralph Waldo Emerson

I don't know if Ralph actually said that. I just know I found it on Pinterest, and I like it. I like words. They give me hope.

Spring break was last week. It was perfect. Now I'm back to real life, and I'm spiraling. Downhill. Fast. With tears. The tears started today. Around 11:30.

I'm being dramatic. Obviously.

I don't care. I'm done caring what you think.

I'm still being dramatic. Obviously.

We're just different people. And I don't think you'll ever understand. I'm sure that'll leave to an inevitable goodbye. I'll try to prepare for that.

The dramatics are just going to continue, so feel free to stop reading. Now.

Love is a strange thing. Family is a strange thing. I don't know if I want either. Both lead to broken hearts. I can live with my heart whole. Thank you very much.

I've been thinking a lot lately. About who I am and who I want to be. How people perceive me and how far from reality that really is. And how little perceivers care about reality...or me.

But, let me just say. I've been eating like shit, going on two weeks now. Eating like shit makes me feel like shit. It also makes my clothes not fit. I think I do it to punish myself. I'm sorry, self. I'll stop now.

Exercising makes me feel excellent. Happiness makes me feel excellent.



You can't make me feel ashamed of who I am. You can't make me say the angry words I want to say. I am not you.

I am going to make myself happy. Because I am happy. I am going to continue being a wanderer. Because I am a dreamer. I am not you.

I am going to make mistakes. I am going to learn from those mistakes. Then, possibly, I will make the same mistake again.

I am going to cry. I am going to laugh. I am going to be sad. I am going to be happy. I am going to sleep. Because I love sleep. You hate that I love sleep.

I am going to look better than you. Just to spite you.

I'll do what you ask. Because I love you. But it stops today.


And today it begins.

Put the Gun Down

Weeeeeeeeall. It seems the reason I don't blog during the semester is because I'm deathly busy. I'm not even kidding, DEATHLY BUSY. 

But, I exaggerate.  A quick catch up: my weekend speech class is over. It was abysmal, but it's done. Math is a little less than abysmal. Business Law isn't bad, just a lot of reading. Basic Mountaineering is fantastic, wish there were a few more females present...but, it's fun. We have a field trip to Rocky Mountain National Park coming up, and I'm pumped! Went to REI with my dad on Tuesday, bought some stellar hiking--I mean, mountaineering!--boots, and I'm good to go. Well, actually, I'm very intimidated and don't want to be the girl that keeps everyone going slow. But, I'm working on that. I'm also going to start climbing, hopefully for the first time Saturday. I'm scared about that, also. But, mostly because I don't have much core strength. Working on that, as well. 

But really, I cannot even begin to explain how excited I am for spring break! I will start the week out with the mountaineering field trip, which is Saturday, Sunday, and Monday. On Tuesday I fly to Durango to see Kathleen and Kaleb. I fly back on Thursday, just to catch a flight to Michigan to see Mary. I finally return to home Sunday night. It's bound to be a magical week. Mary and I shall be getting deathly hallow tattoos. Pictures to follow. 

I'll be starting on my sleeve after Kaitlin's wedding. When I have money, and some of my anxiety of another shitty tattoo has disappeared  It'll happen. I know it. I can't believe how soon the weddings are. Woof. Hopefully I'll find dresses soon. I have bangs. I'm happy. I joined 24 Hour Fitness. I stopped doing Insanity pretty much instantly because it was boring. I continued the bike until that got dreadfully boring, and now it's the gym at 6:30am every morning. It's only been a week and a half, but my energy level is still really good. A friend (cute friend) showed me some strength training to go along with the damn treadmill. So, Hunger Games, HERE I COME. I kid, I kid. But not really. Mostly, I still just want to climb mountains and not fall off. Eating habits are good, other than the 90 cookies I consume every day, I'm golden. With help, I've come to the conclusion I'm a fatalist. I'm going to work on that. It's incredibly hard to completely change your mindset; I'll get there. I will.

I've been reading mountaineering books and some classics; it's an interesting combination. I just finished Into Thin Air, and The Great Gatsby. I'm now onto Epic: Stories of Survival from the World's Highest Peaks and Great Expectations. Interesting combinations, but all good books. I enjoy life, am not home much, but smile a lot. Work is stressful, I don't want to talk about it. I'm ready for summer time. And a day to sleep in.

I have bangs. I'm at work. Don't fire me. 

See you someday, possibly not soon.

The Fear

Well, School started back up this week. And I am not ready. Classes went well. I like the professors and am excited to get back in the swing. No big desire to talk about classes or work. No thank you. 

So, I want to talk about how fantastic I have been feeling lately. I played sports all of high school and have not been active really, at all, since I graduated (in 2007). Until now. Like I said last week, I've started working out again and I cannot even big to explain how wonderful it makes me feel. On days I don't have class, I am doing Insanity in the morning and forty-five minutes of cardio when I get home from work. Right now the cardio is strictly just riding a stationary bike, when it starts to warm up, I'd like to start running. Keep your fingers crossed. Really, I only manage to work out in the morning and the evening about three days of the week. But, I don't find that upsetting. I'm also managing to eat really clean and take my vitamins. My body is probably trying to figure out who took over and what happened to Katri. 

Anyway, I know I had a million things I wanted to talk about this week, but I did not set aside the time. Mostly just want to let you know it has been a good week. I feel good, am happy and excited for the next couple of months. A bit scared, but mostly excited.

I am currently loving this song by Ben Howard. Read the lyrics, go listen to the lyrics. Put a smile and your face and feel good. 

"The Fear"

Mama, cold hearted child, tell me how you feel

Just a blade in the grass, spoke unto the wheel

Mama, cold hearted child, tell me where it's all gone

All the luster of your bones, those arms that held you strong

I've been worryin' that my time is a little unclear

I've been worryin' that I'm losing the ones I hold dear

I've been worryin' that we all, live our lives, in the confines of fear

Mama, cold hearted child, tell me how you feel

Just a grain in the morning air, dark shadow on the hill

Mama, cold hearted child, tell me where it all falls

All this apathy you feel will make a fool of us all

I've been worryin' that my time is a little unclear

I've been worryin' that I'm losing the ones I hold dear

I've been worryin' that we all, live our lives, in the confines of fear

Oh I will become what I deserve

Oh I will become what I deserve

Oh I will become what I deserve

Oh I will become what I deserve

I've been worryin', I've been worryin',

I will become what I deserve

I've been worryin',

My time is a little unclear

I will become what I deserve

I've been worryin', I've been worryin'

That my time is a little unclear

I've been worryin', I've been worryin'

That I'm losing the ones I hold dear

I've been worryin', I've been worryin'

That we all, live our lives, in the confines of fear

Honesty

Honestly, there are times I really detest myself. Those times are usually the days after I have had too much to drink and the times after I have let someone see me vulnerable.

Classes start up again next Wednesday. I'm doing this semester a lot like I did last. I'll continue to work fulltime and classes full time. I hope I can handle it again. I'll be taking another terrible math class. A business law and public speaking class. And finally, an introduction to mountaineering class. I'm not going to lie, I'm a bit pumped about that mountaineering class. I can't even begin to explain how much I want to climb mountains. I just don't know where to begin.

In August, Mary and I decided we needed to become "Hunger Game" awesome, or something like that. I've lost a pretty solid eighteen pounds in the five months since then. I'm really not quite sure how I managed to do that. My only thought is that I stopped eating like a guy and completely cut out all the easy mac, pizza lunchables, and pizza rolls I used to eat. And honestly, I barely even miss them. But, if you've never had a pizza lunchable, you are REALLY missing out. However, I am still not, in any way, "Hunger Game" ready. I've recently started doing Insanity, which hopefully will help me build up muscle and endurance. I ordered a book on nutrition and am ready to perfect my diet. I really want to become a healthy person.

I had a conversation with Kaitlin the other day about whether or not I think what I eat really changes how I feel. And I am positive it does. I still have days where I start out well at breakfast, and then get to work and eat five million cookies and then proceed to feel like trash the rest of the day. Those days are a 1 on a scale of 1-10 (1 being the worst). I don't know if I have ever had a solid 10 day, meaning had energy through the whole day, not felt hungry, and was just generally happy. I haven't decided how much my diet (meaning what I eat, not meaning what I allow myself to eat) affects my moods, but I'm sure it does.

Anyway, what I'm trying to say is...I want to climb mountains. I want to be healthy. I want to feed my body what it needs. In order to do these things I need to understand what my body needs and I need to have a fit enough body to climb mountains.

I'm jumping around a bit in this post. It happens. At least I'm writing! I think I have a drinking problem. Not in, I drink too much, too often. But, somedays (actually nights) I think I subconsciously sabotage myself. Generally, whenever I go out with friends and I know I will be drinking a lot I set a limit for myself, because I know myself. If I'm not careful I drink too much and cry. And don't remember what happened before I started crying. Luckily, I have good enough friends that I know I will be taken care of (not lucky for them). This doesn't happen often. But, I do not want it to ever happen again. However, that's when the self-sabotage comes into play. Some nights I purposely don't set that limit for myself and I go too far. This usually happens whenever I go through particularly terrible times and I want a release. I just want to let myself go and hold no responsibility for anything in my life. Which is so terribly irresponsible. I really am not sure how to keep myself from falling into that dark hole that reappears in my life periodically. But, I like to think this is a step I am taking, just admitting to myself in a public forum (even if no one except me ever reads it) that that place exists. I'd like to think that everyone has that dark place that they try to avoid, and I am not alone in being afraid of that part of me. Anyway, I think that dark hole has to do with the confidence I often don't have for myself. Which is strange, because I really (usually) do like who I am. I just get afraid, and lonely, and sad, and lost sometimes. And haven't yet figured out how to pull myself out of those slumps. I need to stop running away from that part of me. I have a feeling I just need to conquer it and accept it's a part of me without letting it run me.

Ok, mountain climbing, confidence. I will also start writing on here EVERY Sunday. Straight A's this semester, including ugly math. Just general happiness. 2013 will be the year for general happiness.

Thank you, and goodnight! See you on the 20th!

How I survived 2012

2012 has come and gone. And I'd like to say I have grown.

This past year both Joby and Kaleb got engaged. I moved back in with my parents. My grandma died. I starting going back to school.

Yes, those four sentences sum up the year pretty well for me.

I've always said I don't like growing up. I don't like people in my life growing up. I'd rather be selfish and have my brothers be my brothers forever. And really, that goes for extended family, as well. I don't want to share. I don't want to have to see family less than I already do. I learned a couple years ago that family are the only people who are there for you even when you aren't there for yourself. However, what I am slowly trying to learn with so many of my favorite people getting married, changing, growing, becoming adults--I'm not losing them. Our relationships are just changing along with everything else. Luckily, I couldn't love Kaitlin and Kathleen any more than I already do. I suppose if Joby and Kaleb are going to be making their own families, they sure are starting off right.

In May, I made a huge decision to move back in with my parents and go back to school. This was a hard decision for me, but, by far, the best decision I made all year--best decision I made in a long time. Going back to school really scared me. I didn't like admitting that I hated doing hair. I didn't like the idea of starting all over. And it really petrified me that I didn't know what I wanted to do for the rest of my life. However, turns out, I really love school. I'm so happy to be learning again, and knowing that I am making a decision that will directly-positively effect the rest of my life. I'm proud of myself. I am not sure how long I will stay at my parents. Originally I thought that I would stay here as long as it took me to finish school. But, sometimes I feel like I'm not growing here. I rely on my parent's for so much. Mostly emotionally. And sometimes, I know I isolate myself up here. I haven't decided if that's healthy or not. I've always been a very independent person, I think. I like being alone, so I'm not sure if it matters I isolate myself in my parent's apartment above the garage, as opposed to my own apartment in the city. I'm really not sure. But, I'm happy. Most of the time.

Grandma dying had a bigger impact on my life than I think I thought it would have had, had I really thought about it before hand. I think in my head Grandma had left us a long time ago, but my head and my heart are two different things. I, thankfully, haven't had to deal with a lot of death in my life. I wasn't sure how her passing would affect me emotionally. However, I don't want to focus on any sort of sadness I felt. I like to think Grandma is somewhere with Grandpa smiling down on us all, and what could be better than that. Her passing reminded me that this is the one life I get, the one chance I have to make something beautiful. It reminded me how thankful I am she created such a wonderful family. How thankful I am to be part of this world.

This year has really made me think about what I do and don't want in life. Because of all the weddings coming up, I really have been trying to figure out how I feel about marriage and forever. I haven't been able to piece out my thoughts well enough to talk about them, yet. I'll let you know when I do.

For reals, I'll go into it someday.