The Fear

Well, School started back up this week. And I am not ready. Classes went well. I like the professors and am excited to get back in the swing. No big desire to talk about classes or work. No thank you. 

So, I want to talk about how fantastic I have been feeling lately. I played sports all of high school and have not been active really, at all, since I graduated (in 2007). Until now. Like I said last week, I've started working out again and I cannot even big to explain how wonderful it makes me feel. On days I don't have class, I am doing Insanity in the morning and forty-five minutes of cardio when I get home from work. Right now the cardio is strictly just riding a stationary bike, when it starts to warm up, I'd like to start running. Keep your fingers crossed. Really, I only manage to work out in the morning and the evening about three days of the week. But, I don't find that upsetting. I'm also managing to eat really clean and take my vitamins. My body is probably trying to figure out who took over and what happened to Katri. 

Anyway, I know I had a million things I wanted to talk about this week, but I did not set aside the time. Mostly just want to let you know it has been a good week. I feel good, am happy and excited for the next couple of months. A bit scared, but mostly excited.

I am currently loving this song by Ben Howard. Read the lyrics, go listen to the lyrics. Put a smile and your face and feel good. 

"The Fear"

Mama, cold hearted child, tell me how you feel

Just a blade in the grass, spoke unto the wheel

Mama, cold hearted child, tell me where it's all gone

All the luster of your bones, those arms that held you strong

I've been worryin' that my time is a little unclear

I've been worryin' that I'm losing the ones I hold dear

I've been worryin' that we all, live our lives, in the confines of fear

Mama, cold hearted child, tell me how you feel

Just a grain in the morning air, dark shadow on the hill

Mama, cold hearted child, tell me where it all falls

All this apathy you feel will make a fool of us all

I've been worryin' that my time is a little unclear

I've been worryin' that I'm losing the ones I hold dear

I've been worryin' that we all, live our lives, in the confines of fear

Oh I will become what I deserve

Oh I will become what I deserve

Oh I will become what I deserve

Oh I will become what I deserve

I've been worryin', I've been worryin',

I will become what I deserve

I've been worryin',

My time is a little unclear

I will become what I deserve

I've been worryin', I've been worryin'

That my time is a little unclear

I've been worryin', I've been worryin'

That I'm losing the ones I hold dear

I've been worryin', I've been worryin'

That we all, live our lives, in the confines of fear

Honesty

Honestly, there are times I really detest myself. Those times are usually the days after I have had too much to drink and the times after I have let someone see me vulnerable.

Classes start up again next Wednesday. I'm doing this semester a lot like I did last. I'll continue to work fulltime and classes full time. I hope I can handle it again. I'll be taking another terrible math class. A business law and public speaking class. And finally, an introduction to mountaineering class. I'm not going to lie, I'm a bit pumped about that mountaineering class. I can't even begin to explain how much I want to climb mountains. I just don't know where to begin.

In August, Mary and I decided we needed to become "Hunger Game" awesome, or something like that. I've lost a pretty solid eighteen pounds in the five months since then. I'm really not quite sure how I managed to do that. My only thought is that I stopped eating like a guy and completely cut out all the easy mac, pizza lunchables, and pizza rolls I used to eat. And honestly, I barely even miss them. But, if you've never had a pizza lunchable, you are REALLY missing out. However, I am still not, in any way, "Hunger Game" ready. I've recently started doing Insanity, which hopefully will help me build up muscle and endurance. I ordered a book on nutrition and am ready to perfect my diet. I really want to become a healthy person.

I had a conversation with Kaitlin the other day about whether or not I think what I eat really changes how I feel. And I am positive it does. I still have days where I start out well at breakfast, and then get to work and eat five million cookies and then proceed to feel like trash the rest of the day. Those days are a 1 on a scale of 1-10 (1 being the worst). I don't know if I have ever had a solid 10 day, meaning had energy through the whole day, not felt hungry, and was just generally happy. I haven't decided how much my diet (meaning what I eat, not meaning what I allow myself to eat) affects my moods, but I'm sure it does.

Anyway, what I'm trying to say is...I want to climb mountains. I want to be healthy. I want to feed my body what it needs. In order to do these things I need to understand what my body needs and I need to have a fit enough body to climb mountains.

I'm jumping around a bit in this post. It happens. At least I'm writing! I think I have a drinking problem. Not in, I drink too much, too often. But, somedays (actually nights) I think I subconsciously sabotage myself. Generally, whenever I go out with friends and I know I will be drinking a lot I set a limit for myself, because I know myself. If I'm not careful I drink too much and cry. And don't remember what happened before I started crying. Luckily, I have good enough friends that I know I will be taken care of (not lucky for them). This doesn't happen often. But, I do not want it to ever happen again. However, that's when the self-sabotage comes into play. Some nights I purposely don't set that limit for myself and I go too far. This usually happens whenever I go through particularly terrible times and I want a release. I just want to let myself go and hold no responsibility for anything in my life. Which is so terribly irresponsible. I really am not sure how to keep myself from falling into that dark hole that reappears in my life periodically. But, I like to think this is a step I am taking, just admitting to myself in a public forum (even if no one except me ever reads it) that that place exists. I'd like to think that everyone has that dark place that they try to avoid, and I am not alone in being afraid of that part of me. Anyway, I think that dark hole has to do with the confidence I often don't have for myself. Which is strange, because I really (usually) do like who I am. I just get afraid, and lonely, and sad, and lost sometimes. And haven't yet figured out how to pull myself out of those slumps. I need to stop running away from that part of me. I have a feeling I just need to conquer it and accept it's a part of me without letting it run me.

Ok, mountain climbing, confidence. I will also start writing on here EVERY Sunday. Straight A's this semester, including ugly math. Just general happiness. 2013 will be the year for general happiness.

Thank you, and goodnight! See you on the 20th!

How I survived 2012

2012 has come and gone. And I'd like to say I have grown.

This past year both Joby and Kaleb got engaged. I moved back in with my parents. My grandma died. I starting going back to school.

Yes, those four sentences sum up the year pretty well for me.

I've always said I don't like growing up. I don't like people in my life growing up. I'd rather be selfish and have my brothers be my brothers forever. And really, that goes for extended family, as well. I don't want to share. I don't want to have to see family less than I already do. I learned a couple years ago that family are the only people who are there for you even when you aren't there for yourself. However, what I am slowly trying to learn with so many of my favorite people getting married, changing, growing, becoming adults--I'm not losing them. Our relationships are just changing along with everything else. Luckily, I couldn't love Kaitlin and Kathleen any more than I already do. I suppose if Joby and Kaleb are going to be making their own families, they sure are starting off right.

In May, I made a huge decision to move back in with my parents and go back to school. This was a hard decision for me, but, by far, the best decision I made all year--best decision I made in a long time. Going back to school really scared me. I didn't like admitting that I hated doing hair. I didn't like the idea of starting all over. And it really petrified me that I didn't know what I wanted to do for the rest of my life. However, turns out, I really love school. I'm so happy to be learning again, and knowing that I am making a decision that will directly-positively effect the rest of my life. I'm proud of myself. I am not sure how long I will stay at my parents. Originally I thought that I would stay here as long as it took me to finish school. But, sometimes I feel like I'm not growing here. I rely on my parent's for so much. Mostly emotionally. And sometimes, I know I isolate myself up here. I haven't decided if that's healthy or not. I've always been a very independent person, I think. I like being alone, so I'm not sure if it matters I isolate myself in my parent's apartment above the garage, as opposed to my own apartment in the city. I'm really not sure. But, I'm happy. Most of the time.

Grandma dying had a bigger impact on my life than I think I thought it would have had, had I really thought about it before hand. I think in my head Grandma had left us a long time ago, but my head and my heart are two different things. I, thankfully, haven't had to deal with a lot of death in my life. I wasn't sure how her passing would affect me emotionally. However, I don't want to focus on any sort of sadness I felt. I like to think Grandma is somewhere with Grandpa smiling down on us all, and what could be better than that. Her passing reminded me that this is the one life I get, the one chance I have to make something beautiful. It reminded me how thankful I am she created such a wonderful family. How thankful I am to be part of this world.

This year has really made me think about what I do and don't want in life. Because of all the weddings coming up, I really have been trying to figure out how I feel about marriage and forever. I haven't been able to piece out my thoughts well enough to talk about them, yet. I'll let you know when I do.

For reals, I'll go into it someday.

October, where did you go?

It's almost November. Woof.

Well, September was, indeed, a horrific month. But, I survived....and managed to get an A in my weekend History class.

My math class, which started at the beginning of October, is about as terrible as I imagined, but I'm surviving. And, the fact that it's almost November means classes are soooo close to being done for the semester.

Actually, I think I only have two more yoga classes before that class is caput. Which will leave me with my two business classes and math to get through. That's a bit awesome.

Work is going well. I got a promotion! Wooohooo! I am now the office manager. So far, that doesn't mean a raise, but I'm hoping once I'm trained and (hopefully) doing a great job that will change.

I went out for Halloween on Saturday, which is shocking. It was fun and I was a Christmas tree! But, it's Tuesday and I'm still exhausted. I don't think my body understands what happened to it.

Sometimes, with life being as busy as it is, I get super overwhelmed and want to give up. But, not really. I can't imagine what I would be doing if I weren't in school and I really am happy at work right now.

I am currently reading Mary, called Magdalene, by Margaret George. And it's wonderful. I kind of got on a mini Bible kick after reading The Red Tent, by Anita Diamant, a while ago (good think I have wonderful Aunts to recommend wonderful books). I'll probably finish the kick off with a book my dad lent me, which is a novel version of the Bible...I'll have to let you know the title later. Haven't the foggiest idea what it is right now. I think religion is absolutely fascinating. I'm determined to understand it someday.

But, my reading list is so long right now, it's a bit daunting....but exciting I have time to still read for fun...kinda.

There aren't a lot of exciting things coming up any time soon.

Kaleb and Kathleen will be home for a few days starting Thursday, and that's exciting. Also, as of right now, I'm scheduled to have the next couple of Saturdays off--I can't even begin to explain how exciting two day weekends are! Also, Christmas is fast approaching and I'm pumped for that.

But, here are some pictures of life....kind of.

Nevs and Luna are obviously
still adorable.

Foggy Morning.

I'm a Christmas tree

Pretty Sunset.

wasting.on.fixing.all.the.problems.you.made.in.your.own.head.

I'm 24, woof.

Quick catch-up:

* I work at Timothy's of Colorado.
* I have two cats.  Their names happen to be Neville and Luna.
* I live in the apartment above my parents' garage in Pine, CO.
* Currently attending Red Rocks CC, studying business.
* I actually have a savings account. WITH MONEY IN IT!

Whelp, I am just going to try to blog as often as possible, treating this as my journal, just telling you about my days.  Will possibly rant about meaningless things from time-to-time.  Maybe even posting embarrassing pictures.  We will see.  We will see.  If I manage to say things more than once a year I may decide to tell friends and family to come read about me.  We will see. We will see.

So, life is surprisingly busy these days.  I work around 30-35 hours a week and starting this week I will have class Monday, Wednesday, Thursday and Fridays nights and all day Saturday, as well.  I am relatively sure September will be the end of me.  But by October I will no longer have classes on Friday and Saturday....but will be picking up a Monday/Wednesday morning Math class.  Kick me.  I hope I survive that guy.

Other than work and school I don't do a lot.  There's a wedding Saturday.  I cannot really see myself wanting to make an appearance at the reception. I may, just to appear as though I have a social life.  That would mean getting more gas.  Gas is expensive.  I will have to think if that is justification enough to just go home and eat some pizza, watch some Arrested Development and drink some wine.  Ya, that already sounds better.

Anywho, at work right now.  I have class at 6:00.  I am turning in my first paper in a billion years tonight.  It has been a while since I have really worked hard on any sort of writing.  Keep your fingers crossed.

I'll try to be back on Sunday!

Oh, What a Night

Ok, I'm back and I'm here to stay this time!

A lot has happened in my life and I really need to start recording these things before I'm 52 and can't remember what happened when I was 22:)

Ok, to begin with, 2011 has already been one of the most rewarding and hardest years of my life and it's only June. My 11-year-old cat died two weeks ago and it was hard. She'd been with me for half of  my life and I can't help but wonder if she felt like she'd been deserted and decided to die. Ya, I know, morbid thought. I took her to get her cremated. We couldn't handle burying her in a foreign place. Now, she can always be with us.

You've already been told about the house. No, I'm not over it. This weekend I'm going to go see it. I probably will hate myself for it, but I must.

Now, the happy things. March, my aunt, Margie, sent me to see my cousin, Mary, in England! It was amazing. The best, and most generous gift I've ever received and far beyond anything I ever thought I'd deserve. I will go back.

I started work. Like, a real person job. I'm actually relatively decent at it. Yes, it's a surprise to me. I'm not as afraid of the future as I was before. Don't get me wrong, I still break down in tears and think I'm doing the totally wrong thing from time to time, but for the most part I am confident I'm in the right place.  And to go along with that, with in the next two months I will be moving into my very own apartment. I will be living on a tight budget and will probably hate myself for thinking I could do this, but it's all worth it and I'm excited.

My parents have found a house they love. The bank has accepted their offer. Things are going in the right direction. It's happy. And even though Fatty died, we now have 3 baby kitties. Funny how that works.

I'm happy with my weight. Now, don't go saying, "You've always looked great. Blah, blah blah." Not that I strongly disagree with that, I just know I've always been a little chunky, chunkster and I've always wished I was a bit smaller, Whether that is wrong or right I am now happy with where I am and proud that I can grab something out of the closet and comfortably and confidently put it on. No, I'm not full of myself, just proud. It's hard work, yo.

Lastly, I have a wonderful boyfriend. I like him. He's nice:)

Sorry to be so brief, but I just wanted to catch you up and tell you you will be seeing me more often. Hopefully, once a week. I'd like to eventually work up to 3 times. But, let's start slow. I'm going to try to do the outfit, lookatwhatI'mwearing thing, but maybe I'll just chat you up. I don't really have a camera, just my fancy pants iphone...which I think should do just fine. Hope you agree.

xoxo,
Gossip Girl

Ha.

If happy little bluebirds fly beyond the rainbow, why, oh why, can't I?

I am the worst at goodbye's. Literally. I'm awkward and uncomfortable and I'm sure the people around me can tell and wonder why I don't care and only give a halfway-butt out hug (I've literally had someone accuse me of that). I'm awkward, I can't help it. But really, I love and appreciate everything people I love do for me; I'm just terrible at relaying the message. Now, here's where it gets even more awkward. How do you say bye to a home?

Home is where your heart is. Blah blah blah. What happens when a piece of your heart is staying where your home is? Hmmmmmmmmmmmmm?

I don't have much experience with moving,so I don't really know how to behave. I've lived in three different apartments, two different dorm rooms, but temporary living doesn't count. I always had my home that I could go back to and sleep in my own bed. My grandma moved when I was eleven, and it was terrible. Not terrible because packing sucked, or anything like that. It was probably the best summer of my life. My cousins, brothers and I spent the days playing in the pond, kick the can at night, and days when it was too humid, good ol' Harry Potter/Hogwarts/Hotel inside my grandma's house. I don't really remember any packing, although I'm sure that's what my uncle's and aunts must've been doing. It was terrible because that was the most magical place I've ever been to in my life and now the only times I can ever return is in my dreams where something is always distorted or out of place. I remember being in the back of our minivan as my dad drove away for the last time. I had tears in my eyes.  And that is exactly what I expect will come of my childhood home and it makes me sad and my eyes are always full of tears.

I really don't want to go on about this, because I feel like all I do these days is be sad about something that, I guess, isn't a living being. I just want to honor and acknowledge that this is my last night in 6210 CR AA and that it will forever be a piece of me. In a way, I'm glad no one will ever again live here, in a very selfish way.  Also, I think it's time to move on. Maybe now I'll learn how to be an adult.

R.I.P. home, I'll love you forever and like you for always.

I promise to forever miss you and try to keep my dreams as accurate as possible.

(photo credit to my lovely cousin, Mary, who I will be seeing soon!!!)

Also, Somewhere Over the Rainbow is such a happy song.